We all heard it at some point, “you’re a great kisser”. My God! Please tell me you’ve heard it at least once! No? Bummer!
Don’t worry, silence hurts less than a lie. But just because you have been told that your kiss feels like heaven, that doesn’t mean it is always true, so don’t put your money on it. It’s like asking how the sex was. No one will tell you to your face, “You suck! You suck so bad; my vibrator was getting ready to jump out of its hiding and slap the crap out of you!”. The same goes for kissing. No guy or girl will tell you, “Uhm, what the F was that?”. If the kiss is bad, they will lie to your face so bad, you will walk out of there thinking “I should do porn! I am so good; they will pay me millions!”. But fear not, my French kisser wannabe! I have news for you. News as in a heads up to keep going or grab your crotch and moonwalk out of there, for your shame has reached level infinite.
Strap your tongue and lick my words, for I am presenting you: types of kisses, and meaning of kisses. Let’s drool!
Isn’t this just like spit in my eye and kick me in the nuts type of kiss? I don’t know what you’ve been told, but unless the cheek kiss comes in a sweet, sexy, and gentle form from your partner, there is no way in hell I can defend you. I wouldn’t even try to lie to you just so you feel better.
I was aiming for the lips but your cheeks look sexier? That actually makes things worse. I’m sorry but if you were all smooth and shaved, dreaming of some hot action and all you got was a kiss on the cheek, you are not getting any. Not now, not later, maybe never. Your sex toy can kiss better than that!
I am here! Don’t worry, I got this! You are safe. All these words summed up in one sweet kiss on the forehead. But that is not enough. You have to feel all that from the kiss. If you have wet dreams and drip your drool all over the place when you see him or her but they kiss your forehead just like they would kiss their sister, it’s never going to happen. Unless they are the type of people looking for dates at a family reunion.
Ah! The one! Where you kiss your partner’s upper or bottom lip and he kisses yours (just stating the obvious in case you have no idea what the F you’re doing). It has to be gentle, soft, and should make you feel all tingly inside. If you don’t feel that way, check for the following:
You are not related
It is a real person/human (if it’s not, we don’t want to know)
The body temperature is right. You know, as in they are still kicking
If it’s a girl you are kissing, check that you are on the right lips, if you know what I mean.
If it’s a man you are lip kissing, well check if it’s the one you were aiming for. Things could get confusing at some point, so no judging.
If all of the above doesn’t apply and you still don’t feel anything, walk away. If your partner feels the same, even better. But if you feel nothing and your partner already has the wedding planned, don’t walk, run! Run for your life! And don’t forget to throw a good, innocent lie. Something like I am not good enough for you or whatever.
Ear kiss type of kisses
If you got this far without being slapped, you might be getting some. I say might because if you don’t read your partner just right, even at this point you can still screw things up. Gently run your tongue along the shell-like outside of your partner’s ear and nibble on their earlobe. Whisper on your partner’s ear to double the arousal effect. But, for the love of God, please connect your brain to your mouth before opening it. Don’t say something stupid like “I like your brother; we should have a threesome”. Even if you do want to (again, no judging), shut the F up. Know your partner a bit before saying things that might be too personal. Some people like it rough, to be tied up, spanked, to talk dirty, but some don’t or takes some time to be comfortable enough to do so. Instead of whispering something stupid, that will only bring you closer to priesthood. Praise your partner a bit. Whisper something that you like about them. Their eyes, arms, chest, etc. If you take the talk to the chest area, do so only if you are saying it to a guy. They love having their chest area praised. If you are saying it to a woman, shake your hand very well, as it will be your only close friend for the nigh. Women don’t like to be told that. And it sounds a bit immature. You can find something better to talk about other than their chest area. That zone is meant to be kissed, not talked about. Unless you pay her but, in that case, it doesn’t really matter what you say, you are lame anyways.
type of kisses
Obviously, you have done the ear kiss well enough if you got to the neck kissing. You are right on the money! Don’t drop your guard though. You can still F it up, even at this point. The first thing to keep in mind, don’t overdo it. It goes for pretty much all types of kisses.
Be aware of your partner’s reactions. Body reading can go a long way. Pay attention to the sounds they are making, the body moving. You can tell a lot from it. It is easy to tell when they like what you’re doing or they are thinking of a time machine to skip the moment forward, to one where you didn’t exist.
Run your lips down over their neck to the collar bone and over to the other side of the neck and go up. You could mix it with the ear kiss and see how your partner is reacting. If you get slapped, what is wrong with you? You shouldn’t have been there in the first place.
type of kisses
I have no idea why they call it a French kiss. It’s not even from France, people! Anyways, it’s a thin line here and you have to be careful. Too much tongue, plain creepy and disgusting. Not enough tongue and you will be mayor of the friend zone and get a nice little lie about how awesome of a kisser you are. Watch for the tongue movement! You are not trying to dig your way through. It’s not prospecting, FFS! Feel your partner and adjust to them. Explore with your tongue but don’t be too invasive. Alternate between lip kiss and French kiss. type of kisses
type of kisses
Lipstick kiss – Put on your favorite lipstick and give your partner a kiss on the cheek. Then wait for his wife’s reaction.
It can be very tantalizing to kiss and playfully bite on the lips, nose, jawline, collarbone, or neck. But mind the hickies! We don’t like that. Also, what are you? A dog peeing on a tree to mark its territory? And although it makes for an appealing first-time hookup, slowly implement the concept. Start easy and see how well it is received. If the person pulls back, don’t do it again. Unless you are hungry and need the blood. But if that is the case, then I think we have different ideas of what a bite kiss is.
Lizard type of kisses
It’s what you are thinking of: just tongues and that’s it. Makes nice foreplay, so don’t rule it out just yet. Lick your partner’s lips with the tip of your tongue. If they respond in the same matter, try the lizard kiss and see how it goes. Might get a “wow” or an “eww” out of it.
It is the sweetest thing ever. Some couples love to rub their noses because it is “their thing” and special to them. In an Eskimo kiss, there is no lip-touching, but it is intimate without being erotic. You can look into each other’s eyes or close them and feel your partner’s breath. Keep in mind this is a thing just for couples. Try this as your first kiss and it might bring you a restraining order.type of kisses
The most formal of kisses is a person kissing the top of the offered hand of another. The traditional ritual does not imply affection; it is more a friendly and respectful greeting between strangers. I hope I don’t have to say it’s always the man kissing a woman’s hand, right? If you are a woman and you are doing it, I have news for you! Unless it’s the pope’s hand you’re kissing, you are doing it wrong and that is why you are still single.
Peck type of kisses
You’re leaning in for a quick, light kiss if you’re giving someone a peck. Make sure you have super soft lips! It may be the least romantic of kisses, but don’t worry if your crush gives you a short smooch. I am sure there are plenty of people out there to get a new crush on. You have been awarded the “just friends” medal. type of kisses
Do you remember the good old times when getting an email was celebrated with champagne? The inbox used to be empty for weeks but we were still getting letters. Times have changed and now it is the other way around. The only thing we receive through the mail are bills and those are never fun. Well, you can change that. Put some lipstick on and paste it with a nice note onto a piece of paper. If you’re not there, it gives your sweetheart something to put up on their wall, or to hold and remember you. They’re going to love it. type of kisses
Don’t send it to strangers! What is the matter with you?
Ghost kiss – Go for a kiss, but instead of landing it, sweep your lips softly up and over the face of your partner, touching their skin slightly. One thing to keep in mind: make sure they know you are there! It does not make for a pleasant surprise.
With some syrup, delicious lip gloss, or other delicious sweets, wet your lips and then push them into sprinkles to give your mouth a whole new (and delicious) look. Then kiss your partner.
Warning! This is NOT fashioned! Don’t get out of the house like this unless you plan on having dogs licking you everywhere you go.
Stoplight kiss type of kisses
When you are driving and you are in the passenger’s seat, kiss your partner on the cheek for every green light, on the lips for every red light, and their hand for every yellow light.
Don’t do this if you are alone in a cab. The cab driver might not like it.
There you have it, folks. Might be some more types of kisses out there but I am not like you, weirdoes!